Friday, January 05, 2007

Make Your Vow

I'm a big fan of televangelists. Robert Tilton is my favorite, hands down. I searched Google for the best picture I could find of Robert Tilton.

He's definitely cute.

And Holy.

Did you know that if you send Robert a large sum of money, god will ensure some wonderful things to come to you? He typically asks for one thousand dollars, but you can give any amount you wish, and in return, Tilton will place his hand over your money, bless it, and put it in his bank account. If you don't have any money to send then I'm sorry, Tilton won't bother to give you any benediction, you cheapskate. Tilton says, "Your tithe (10%) of your income belongs to God and is what you owe in Thanksgiving for past blessings." Remember how it is claimed that god is omnipotent? Well, wouldn't an omnipotent god be able to control his finances?

As of late, I have developed an obsession with Robert Tilton and those alike. I try to catch as many Tilton broadcasts as I can, which is difficult since he has secured the prime time of 3:00 in the morning. I have noticed something about his broadcasts. He spends more than fifty percent of his time asking for money (this was estimated to be much higher in a recent study), and zero percent of his time talking about the scandal that arose in the early nineties. What?! How could you suspect a scandal?! Well, ABC did an investigation on Tilton's ministry, and they found that Tilton and his servants never paid any attention to the prayer requests that came in the mail, but they certainly attended to the money. In fact, they narrowed down the final location of the prayer requests; I believe it was a dumpster.

So, here is where I struggle to find a reason to talk about Robert Tilton on a library blog.

Let's see, Let's see.

Ah, Yes! Robert Tilton has written a handful of books with titles like, Dare to Be a Success, Face Your Problems with Christ, and Solving the Mystery of the Miracle Money. Basically, they're all about how to make money with the help of god, or in his case, the exploitation of god.

Now, in order to save all of the Kankakee area Tilton fans some time, I went ahead and checked the catalogues of all the libraries in our HAL system. The HAL system includes libraries within Grundy, Kankakee, Kendall, LaSalle, Putnam, and portions of Bureau, Cook, DeKalb, DuPage, Kane, Lee, Marshall and Will counties. Guess what? I couldn't locate a single Tilton book within the system. I was kind of disappointed because I had considered reading one. Surely, I thought, will have his books. Well, they don't, unless you're interested in an unwanted, used copy. Gee, Tilton, not even Barnes and Noble wants to infect the world with your farce words.


Mitchell Haug
Adult Services


Blogger Brian said...

One of my favorite jokes, which I heard decades ago:

A televangelist is talking to God.

"Lord," says the televangelist, "the Bible says you have always existed and always will exist, for all of eternity, outside of time. What, O Lord, is a hundred million years to you?"

God answers: "Not even a second."

"And Lord," the televangelist continues,"I read in the Bible of your unimaginable riches, that the streets of Heaven are paved in gold. What, O Lord, is a hundred million dollars to you?"

God answers: "Not even a penny."

"O Lord," says the televangelist, "I pray to you, will you please bless me, your humble servant, with just half of one of those pennies?"

God answers: "Um, hold on a second ..."

(p.s. Is Tilton the guy in the widely-circulated video that has sounds of flatulence edited in?)

10:34 AM  

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